Not long ago I was lucky enough to see Jennifer Senior, author of All Joy and No Fun, discuss her research on modern families.
She recalled one family she spent some time with and shared a story that struck to the heart of the dilemma I see women struggle with every day.
In this family, the mother was a psychiatric nurse, working with violent and psychotic patients each day. The father was the manager at a rental car agency.
Senior asked them each this question:
What's easier - being at work or being at home?
The father felt work was harder, because, "I’m held to someone else’s standard. Whereas here at home, I am the standard. I feel like I do it the way it should be done...I didn’t have anyone saying to me, ‘This is how good you need to be.’ ”
The mother, whose work seems objectively way more difficult, said she found work much easier than being at home. She reported that at home, unlike at work, she never knew if she was doing it right, she never knew if she was being a good mother.
This is the core shift that I wish for every woman I know and work with.
To shift from believing that there is anyone in the world who knows better than you what is right for you.
To define for yourself what makes a day good, what makes life good.
To say out loud - in your home, in your body, in your life - ...
"I AM THE STANDARD."
Your instincts are trustworthy. You know what is important to you. You know what makes you feel alive and connected and grounded and strong.
You are allowed to follow that knowing.
You are allowed to choose what GOOD means in your life.
With love and optimism,
Jessica